Grief, Rage & Joy

Finally, a Beginning ...

The best thing to do is just start. Honestly, I have had “Write first Substack” on my To Do List since - when? 2020 I think. Aroha mai, apologies to the people already subscribed, you’ve had a long wait.

I wanted to have something shiny to give you as the very first thing. Set the tone, be a foundation, pull you in. But what I want to do keeps getting interrupted by what I need to do so … Pfft… I’m just going to start with this because today I am back from the beach where I watched the sun rise beside Rangitoto, and the first day of this New Year is mine.

Don’t know what to say about 2023. Husband Jeremy described it to someone yesterday as “a roller coaster” and I’m not sure it was the fun kind? Joisus, our election and the emboldening of racists and misogynists and climate-deniers here in Aotearoa. That appalling referendum result in Australia, and the horrors of Gaza, and whatever the fuck is going on in America. Hell, handbasket, hurtling.

Up close there has been loss and grief, and I know there is always loss and grief, but losing our friend Cal Wilson in October is raw, inexplicable, unfair. I cannot comprehend how someone so full of life and colour isn’t here any more and every time I try to make myself believe it my heart breaks again. I will write properly about Cal when I find the words because she was the best of us. The kindest.

Also in 2023, there has been joy. My daughter, Holly, turned 30 and we went to Rarotonga with her babies. Jeremy and I got some Disney action and, in between those two things, I got a medal from the King. Yoga has, once again, become a central part of my life and I am learning so much from it, and from my beautiful teacher, Marcia. Also learning from my therapist, and my circles of friends - the ones who meet in an actual circle (which I might talk about sometime) and the ones who circle around each other with cocktails and good food and stories and laughter. (They will definitely make an appearance here.)

There were amazing gigs - those events around the FIFA Women’s World Cup are treasures, and I met some incredible people and heard terrific things. Honestly, watching Natalie Portman fangirl over Jacinda Ardern in a dressing room backstage at the Kiri Te Kanawa Theatre was a career highlight for this MC.

I feel like you jinx shit when you expect too much from a New Year so I will take care with what I say about 2024. No resolutions to stop doing anything, just a gentle intention to do more of some things. More yoga, more travel, more friends and whānau. And more writing, some of it here, about what it is like to be getting older - “stepping in my elderhood” I like to call it when I’m being fancy. And working out what this, the Third Act of my life, looks like. Because some of it is bullshit, but some of it is wonderful, and all of it is better when we tell each other our stories.

With Cal, Geraldine Hickey & Justine Smith backstage at Buskers Festival 2018

Bonus! Hot Tip for a great 2024: Take a moment today to chuck out your most disappointing undies. That way, you don’t start your day feeling like you’ve already made a bad decision.